Hear Their Stories

I enjoyed being the kid in trouble. Always getting suspended from school, getting into fights, and hanging with the wrong people. I ended up in foster care as my mother had a difficult time controlling me, but got kicked out of there, too. At about 14 years old, I went to live with my father, and that’s when the real drug addiction began. I had already started smoking weed and drinking, but it was at this time in life I was introduced to pain pills.

I have had many low points in life. Overdoses, incarcerations, probation, on the run, homelessness. But I never felt like I had a ‘rock bottom’, as none of that was bad enough for me to stop using. I didn’t care about anything but drugs. In 2020, I was sentenced as the first client to Drug Treatment Court where I spent some time sober. This planted the seed that something better was out there for me, but I was not ready yet.

When I decided to reach out for help this last time, I had already admitted I was an addict long before this day. I always knew I was a drug addict, so I just embraced it. The point that changed everything for me was being separated from my baby. I decided I was going to turn my life around, get sober, and get custody of my baby, and that’s exactly what I did.

Because I had been through treatment before, I knew the route to take to get there. I got re-connected with Health and Human Services as well as sought additional support through the Deflection Program. I completed a 90-day inpatient treatment program at Blandine House, followed by several months of sober living. Early on, I went through the initial stages of detox and mental anguish. My emotions were all over the place in early recovery. Mainly anger and resentment kept me working through that stage, along with my love for my daughter.

Above all of the staff that helped me, I stayed accountable for myself. Being a part of the NA community and getting a sponsor have been pivotal in my journey. I spent every day in the gym to keep myself occupied, which evolved into work, spending free time at recovery meetings, and with my baby.

I haven’t relapsed this time, but I think life will always trigger me. I can wake up one day and my brain will try to trick me by telling me it’s a good day to get high. That feeling will never go away, it’s just part of me now. But what I do now is talk about it and move on instead of using about it. Days are days and months are months, but life goals are what counts for me. This time around, I took all of the little cliché sayings they always say in recovery and I actually did them. I didn’t want to at first, but I knew there had to be a reason behind them, and now I live by them.

Now I am over 10 months into my recovery and have full custody of my daughter. That is what keeps me here. My message of hope for others is simple. If I can do it, you can do it. The caveat is that YOU have to want to do it. No amount of forced treatment is going to work until your mind changes.

-Braydon, Age 31

I am not sure that there was ever a time that alcoholism wasn’t a part of my life. From the time I was a little girl, my father had a drinking problem, along with my mother’s parents. The first time I drank alcohol, I was about 11 years old. It changed my attitude and took my spark for life. I started having real problems with alcohol in my 20’s. During that time, I got married and had 2 daughters. When my husband and I split and I was a single mom, I knew that if I continued to drink, I would not be able to care for my children, so for them and for me, I quit for 16 years. I eventually re-married and moved to Wisconsin where I gave up my support system that I had grown for so many years, along with my daughters staying with their dad when I relocated to Wisconsin. This was devastating and felt like the worst break up I had ever been through. I had a few more children with my new husband in Wisconsin. I eventually decided that maybe I had learned what I needed to know in AA and that I could drink again. What a mistake that was. My alcoholism didn’t leave me like I had hoped and my terrible marriage only gave me an excuse to continue down a very destructive path. I attempted to hide my drinking from family, but I don’t think I was very good at it. They knew something was wrong, even if they couldn’t figure out exactly what was going on. Throughout this time, my daughter began her own journey with addiction. Her journey was short lived and she passed away in 2015 from endocarditis, due to heroin addiction. I had many attempts at sobriety and 2 stays in residential treatment facilities. I carried so much shame regarding my drinking and choices I had made in life. I honestly felt like everyone had made better decisions about everything than I ever had. I damaged the relationships with my three youngest children, and honestly, I wanted to die because I thought that may be a better option than the way I was living. I lost a job I cared a lot about because I was too drunk to call in. The store by my home would no longer sell me alcohol, so I resorted to stealing it from a neighbor’s home. The neighbor was not home at the time, which I knew, but I didn’t know they had cameras. I was charged with theft. That was a huge turning point for me. When I was in detox the last time, I remember thinking that I do not ever want to do this again. I was all alone. No one would talk to me. I had no one to turn to. At that point, I didn’t care if I lived or died. But now I do care.

I went to detox at Bellin, where I had a phenomenal psychiatrist that I opened up to. I explained to her that I carry such shame. I sincerely meant that I didn’t want to drink, but I got the craving and could not seem to overcome that. She helped me understand that my brain had a disorder and that I was living in survival mode. We worked on a treatment plan to help guide me in better choices. I made a decision that I was going to do anything I could to continue a path to sobriety, no matter how hard that was going to be. I was without a job and no longer had support from friends or family because I had let them down so many times before. I knew if I was going to get sober, I was going to do it on my own. When I left Bellin, I got in touch with the Deflection Program. They helped with gas expenses so I could get on and off of the island where I lived, so I could attend meetings and appointments while I was waiting for a bed to open up at a residential treatment facility. The support I received from Door County was crucial for my recovery.

The residential treatment facility I had gone to twice in the past refused to take me again. Thank goodness for that. I went Casa Clare and completed a 45-day residential treatment program. This made all the difference for me and I agreed to extend the program into 90 days, which allowed me to work, attend meetings, work through counseling, and be in a safe place to face the consequences that the long-term use had on me and my family. I was grateful to have that safe space. The support from the women in my group has meant something to me. Many of them I still talk to today. I am able to still connect with the counselors from the facility and that feels amazing. I am so grateful for those experiences in my recovery.

Set backs happen every day, but it’s really just a moment in time. I know if I pick up a drink, it will only make it worse. I will be forced to start all over again with the guilt and the shame, knowing that I let people down that trusted me. I am not willing to give that up today. I hear the words of one of the counselors that reminded us that we needed to ride the wave. I have tried many times before to get sober, but I think this is finally my time. If you are struggling, NEVER give up. I learned a little more each time, as hard as those lessons were. I look back on that first 16-year period of sobriety I had in life and realize I thought it was purely about putting that alcohol down. I have found that there is so much more to it than that.

Today I have 2 of my kids living with me again. My daughter whom I thought would never talk to me again is coming around every weekend and does want a relationship with me. I am 582 days sober as I write this. During this time, I have faced contempt and custody battles with my ex-husband, lost a job, and had a major surgery. It seems like every time things start going right, there is something there to remind me life sucks sometimes. But as cliché as this sounds, as long as I stay sober, everything is going to turn out okay.

-Danelle, Age 58